Why do we feel insecure? First thought that comes to mind is: It has to do with knowledge. Not knowing something that's important for us makes us feel insecure. But not knowing what? What are the most essential pieces of knowledge that we need for feeling secure?
We aren't talking about "dry" knowledge, such as "I know that 25 and 25 is 50" or that the grey cat has blue eyes. It's the more juicy knowledge that we are looking for. Knowledge about well-being, about relating to others, about emotions.
When you think about yourself in a time where you feel insecure and you ask yourself, why do I feel like that? You may find out that it is because of not knowing clearly enough whether you're being loved by someone, or whether you could cope, or whether some things make sense.
"I am being loved" is probably the earliest piece of knowledge we need in life in order to feel secure. It is so essential that it's actually very simple. If we were lucky to have parents who managed to connect to us and to show and give us their care and love, we will feel secure. I would just add that for me here in my therapy practice, the opposite of "I am being loved" isn't "I am not being loved", but rather "I am not good". When you think of it, if I am not loved, it means I am not worthwhile being loved, and the reason is I am not good enough to be worthwhile the love. Very strong logic, isn't it? False, but strong. It's hard to feel that I'm good if I don't feel love, no matter how much I try. If I am not good, so goes the inner logic very often, I may be punished for being bad, and I can expect to be beaten by the better ones. Hard to feel secure this way, isn't it?
"I can cope" Can be a bit misleading. At first, it looks like it has to do with having some abilities and skills of expertise. Things you know how to do because you do them every day. But try to recall the moments of satisfaction at work or school or life. How frequent are they? Do you get them every day? No. You most probably feel it on occasions where you stand in front of a challenge, a surprise, an exception, out-of-the-routine. These are usually the rare noments where you found yourself thinking: "Hey, I'm good, I can really cope!" And these moments give you a tremendous sense of inner security. "I can cope" is built in childhood but has great opportunities to be rebuilt and developped in adulthood. It is a sense of inner security that is built on the inner feeling: "I have the energy and the inner resources to deal with the unknown". I shall only add that if you think that only Indiana Jones is lucky to have this, then wrong. Your own expertise has been built on dozens of such surprises, big or small.
"It makes sense". This is the more intriguing of the three fruits."It" may be a task, an activity, your future, your life. One thing is clear: for you to feel secure, you need to have a sense that something makes sense. It doesn't have to be something big. In fact, the healthier we are, the easier it is for us to get a sense of meaning out of smaller things.
These are what I sometimes call the three fruits of knowledge.
Just one general thought about knowledge. It's helpful to remember that when it comes to brain stuff, knowledge is a very kaleidoscopic thing. It changes on the go, during a recalling process, during an experience, during dreaming, during an encounter with a person or with another piece of knowledge. The fascinating thing about feeling insecure is, how the human brain can be capable of feeling rather secure despite so little knowledge about so many things. We tend to focus on the little we know and base our sense of control over life on that. We create a sense of security virtually out of nothing. Our brain imagines the pieces that are missing; it modifies old knowledge; it hopes; it pushes us to action against odds.
Knowledge changes like a Kaleidoscope
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